If I were to be truly honest, I would have to admit that I am not the most honest person. Gasp! 'Vanessa, are you saying that you are a liar? That you are not to be trusted?' In one say I say, no not really, but in another I say, 'Absolutely'. Allow myself to explain myself.
It's been about 10 months since my last blog post. And that is for several reasons. When I moved to Belgium one year ago on August 18th, I had no idea what was in store for me. I believe I had signed myself up for the fulfillment of God's calling on my life, to go and be His light, to share His love with a community. For a while I felt so empowered that it was all coming to fruition. The first 4 months in Belgium I could see God's hand over everything I was doing; I felt like I was walking directly under God's provision, His direction, and His will. And, by golly, it felt good.
Then December hit. I came home for Christmas break, and well, didn't really break. I didn't give myself time to process what had just happened in my life, the craziness of moving to a completely different country, leaving the community and the life I had known for the past 26 years. I came back to Belgium expecting to jump head first into the current of the spirit and good feelings and accomplishments of ministry that I had before. It didn't happen. And life seemed to creep in.
Belgium is rainy, damp and cold and they experienced one of the worst winters they've had in a long time. Some ex-pats call the time after Halloween until Valentine's Day as the 100 days of darkness. So I had that going for me. Then, it hit me that I was living in a different culture with a different language. The things that seemed romantic and adventurous, now seemed to make everyday life frustrating, exhausting, and very isolating. All I wanted to do was feel capable in ministry and competent in life, and I felt everything but. Imagine me, the Italian-American with a performance background, who loves to be the center of attention and loves to laugh and socialize and feel good. Now imagine me, sitting in a room full of awesome people and quietly sitting with my head swarming full of French while I try to use both my fork and knife and not appear like the American barbarian that I am. And to top it all off, I tore my ACL. Yes, this is a pretty common experience, but with everything else going on, it has literally, swept the ground from underneath my feet. Physical activity was the last shred of hope I had to fight off the winter blues and the cross-cultural-transition anxiety, and it was gone. It felt like it all was gone.
'Wow, Vanessa. This post is getting pretty depressing.' So, let me get to my point. I have not posted in my blog because yes life is busy, but also, I couldn't conjure up anything that felt worthy of blogging. Everything that I have clung to in the past (familiarity, family, friends, busyness in ministry, even church and Bible study) don't seem to be 'working' for me anymore. .
This morning in church we were having an awesome time singing in worship. I felt refreshed, in tune with the Spirit and I was starting to feel 'good'. During the last song, we kept repeating the phrase 'Give me Jesus'. Over and over. I remember checking out, and thinking that I wish the song would end because I stopped feeling the worship tingly feeling. And I was missing the point. I so often miss the point. I strive and I seek to do, be, feel good in Christ, that I totally miss Christ. I have come to a place where my rhythm in Christ has been thrown completely off. And I am so desperately thankful for it. Sometimes I am in such a hurry to get to know Christ that He remains a stranger to me. In such a rush to to proclaim Christ that I don't hear how He is speaking. My heart desires to be pacified in Christ, and not to be fully filled by Him.
So there it is, the truth underneath it all. And man, the truth shall set you free. I am grateful for God exposing my fleshly and even spiritual reality, because now, of all times in my life, I am seeing that Jesus is the only thing worthy in my life, the only thing, above all things, that my heart longs for. It only took God cutting the strings of life as I knew it, for me to be free to love Him. Here's to the that journey, one's of ups and downs, but one that will, God willing, be honest.
**NOTE: I must say that this terrifies me to post because I am still seeking to look 'good' in Christ. However, I know that this is my offering to Christ, and that through it all, I can boast in my weakness!!!**
